Friday, May 14, 2010

Trust me, I'm a Doctor

For me, going to the doctor is quite the experience. Because one of their favorite questions to ask is "So what are you studying in school?" and I happen to be a microbiology major, they immediately get an intellectual connection with me. This is all well and good, until they start asking me questions in their doctor language with lots of big ass words that I couldn't guess the meaning of if my immediate health depended on it (Guess what? It usually does. Yay!). Then for fun, they'll throw in some super unprofessional phrases because, you know, we're "pals".

For example, when I was (recently) diagnosed with mono my family doctor had this gem for me: "Have you had any tenderness in your epigastric or hypochondriac region?" Wtf? Should I have studied for this appointment? To make matters worse, I'd been having a fever on and off for weeks, so I wasn't even sure if I heard him correctly. Now luckily he was pointing to the part of the abdomen he meant. Later, when the results of my blood test came back positive he told me and I quote, "Yeah. You got mono all up in there." Really?! Where exactly is the mono? What is this "there?" Do you mean my body? I'm not the one that went to medical school, sir, clarity would be appreciated. I understand it would've been highly inappropriate for him to say "Yeah. You got mono all up in that hot bod," but at least then I would've gotten some sort of compliment.

When I went to a specialist (for something very non-mono related) he had the nerve to say to me "You are a conundrum. Have you tried probiotics?" Which is basically a fancy way of saying, "I have no idea what's wrong with you; eat some yogurt." Yeah. Thanks, pal.

Now I've seen my fair share of medical dramas, and I have had an avid interest in the medical field since I was very young, but still. That's just ridiculousness. I think maybe the moral of this story is that I should just tell doctors that I'm an early childhood ed major. That way, I wouldn't have to hear about how all the classes I struggled through were "so easy," and "fun." Who honestly likes college physics? Honestly? Ugh. You sicken me. Please, just stop.